I know by this point it's probably cheap to be taking pot-shots at Charlie Sheen, but with the softball team heading to Florida for the Rebel Spring Games—not to mention the track and wrestling teams heading to the NCAA Championships—I think it might be useful to channel this man's energy.   Maybe we could all use a little coked-out wisdom from the Sheenster.

Inspiration #1:  "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning.  I win here and I win there."

This is particularly important for the softball team that is currently on a nine game winning streak as its players head down to Kissimmee to play teams from across the nation.  Players like junior Kelsey Kalkman exemplify the Sheen model of winning, as she scored four home runs in the recent HuskyDome Classic in addition to 10 RBIs for the Vikings and a new school home run record against St. Cloud State. 

For Florida, the team will need to remember to keep opposing teams' backs to the wall with a barrage of power--hitters as well as paying attention to their infield game by becoming one with Sheen's fighter jet mentality—"I'm an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground."

Inspiration #2: "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."

Tracksters, this one's for you.

The team is sending eight of its top runners to Albuquerque for the national meet, and even though the men and women's teams are ranked 25^th and 21^st respectively in the U.S. Track and Field and Cross Country Coaches Association indoor track and field poll, they are more than capable of pulling through with a strong finish. 

Even as a freshman, Runa Falch has already earned the title of NSIC Women's Track Athlete of the Year and the men's distance medley relay team (juniors Travis Beniak and Tom Karbo, freshmen Taylor Olson and Aduo Omot) is number one in the NSIC conference, setting a time of 9:55.65 in Bemidji, Minn, earlier this year. 

They might not be the highest ranked teams in the polls, but the Augie runners are no doubt rock stars in their own right. 

Now they just have to get out there and blow some minds, presumably in such a way that normal spectators won't even be able to comprehend.

Inspiration #3: "I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man."

This weekend, the wrestling team will be in Kearney, Neb., for a national tournament of their own.  Along with defending national champ senior Jay Sherer, six other Viking men will vie for titles in their respective weight classes. 

It's been long understood that wrestlers are a strange and different breed, but after hearing Charlie's enlightening words, I have reason to suspect that the blood of large jungle cats just might be the best explanation for their prowess in the ring. 

After a No. 2 team ranking behind University of Nebraska-Omaha last year, the wrestlers are even more focused on their goal of attaining the first national team title in college history. 

With their 14-2 season record, they might just have the stones to pull it off, and if they do, I hope they are able to remember Sheen's words: "All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."

Indeed.

Lastly, I know with all these big events coming up, every athlete is looking for an edge over their opponent. 

While it might be easy to turn to performance-enhancing drugs, I would strongly discourage anyone from whatever performance enhancers Mr. Sheen is on these days, because in his words, "I am on a drug, It's called Charlie Sheen.  If you try it once, you will die.  Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." 

Play it straight, Viking athletes. Make us proud and bring us back some victories.

That, and, for the love of God, stay the hell away from cocaine.

 

Editor's Note: No "Goddesses of Sober Valley Ranch" were harmed in the writing of this piece.