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You know this kid.
And if you don't, that probably means you are this kid.
This is the kid who is the reason Augustana boasts incoming freshmen with 4.0 GPAs. It's the kid who comes into your 8 a.m. class and knows every answer to every conceivable question your professor will ask. And when there are no questions being asked, he makes one up, usually with no sign of reason or necessity. It's the type of kid that tries to correct his professor on something his professor has written many books about—that one person, that one person to whom everyone can say, "Who do you think you are?" with their eyes. He's bulletproof, and completely oblivious to the fact that he is loathed by his entire class.
He is your know-it-all.
Your suck-up.
Your over-achiever.
He's the kind of guy who stays in Friday nights to study for a test next Thursday instead of going to the party down the street.
He's momma's little prodigy from God-Knows-Where, Neb.
And, really, I can't help but thank all of you little brown-nosed prodigies out there on Augie's campus and campuses all across this great nation.
If it were not for you, the hordes of students running on three and a half hours of sleep wouldn't be able to sit in the back row of class and text their way through their general classes and Who-Gives-A-Damn 120. Without all you giddy little hand-raisers, the rest of your under-caffeinated, unshowered classmates wouldn't have anything relevant to contribute to class at 8:07 on a Friday morning.
And anybody who's been on campus for any length of time knows the types. There's the
1. Eye Magnet: The type who you're so annoyed with that when he enters class you stare and stare and wait for him to trip on the way to his seat. What can he say with no teeth?
2. Cut-Off: After raising your hand for the past five minutes, he's the one who cuts you off just as you're about to say your one significant comment for the day. This one's really a—
3. Self-Fulfilling Comedian: The type who laughs at his own brilliant statements and self-perceived ‘class-clown' status and is spurred on by his own brand of humor, which he describes as a cross between Dane Cook and his mom.
4. Outside-the-Boxian: How do you find a needle in a haystack? "Yes, well how can you be sure there's only one needle? And if so, what if they cut the needle into very small pieces?" Touché.
5. Piggly-Wiggly: The type who raises his hand with such fervor that his body moves in a way that I can only describe as the way a pig would wiggle if you tried to pick it up when it was excited.
The list is nearly non-exhaustive, but what we must always remember is that these people, these noble sustainers of early- morning class discussions, are the reason you get out of bed in the morning. Admit it, without them you'd have nothing to direct your frustration at and you'd end up hitting your roommate, when who you really meant to hit was the kid in your math class who has already completed the next three weeks' homework assignments. You love hating this guy, partly because he's one of the most ridiculous humans you know, and partly because he's smarter than you.
But I'm telling you, you had better be careful not to upset him, because someday that piggly little know-it-all is going to be your boss.
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