I have developed an intolerant, sarcastic attitude toward restaurant diners after five years in the business. These are the most annoying harries from diners.
And yes, you can keep the change.
"We'd like to have a booth, if possible." In the restaurant world, that's like saying, "We'd like to have unprotected sex without pregnancy or STDs, if possible." Well, it's possible...but I wouldn't recommend it.
You should know that if there is a booth actually available for your party, I am going to bring you to it first. I know 96 percent of guests prefer to sit in booths. I will only bring you to a table if that is my best option.
But since the final decision is ultimately in your hands, I must warn you that by choosing to disrupt the server rotation, you are causing a lot of problems. The server you have unwittingly rejected has now been skipped. While he or she is grumbling about a empty section, the server you have unknowingly chosen will probably be double or triple-sat.
Therefore, by choosing the booth, you choose a server who is twice as busy as the rest of the staff and will be much less attentive. Fine. If you want to sit in a booth, realize you will probably be waiting twice as long to get drinks.
"We would like a spot with a little privacy." Oh, you would like privacy? Well, that's called eating at home. This? We call this dinner rush.
"We'd like to sit where we can see a TV." Now, it's a rule-of-thumb that any restaurant with "sports bar" in the name has at least one TV visible in every area. At the establishment where I work, the only place you would not be able to see a TV would be in a bathroom stall, and even then you can still hear one.
So, you would like to see a TV? Well, we have TVs in the restrooms - perhaps you would like me to have your meal served to you while you sit on the toilet.
"So, what's good to eat here?" Seriously? Nothing. Nothing is good to eat here. And here's why: Your server watches the kitchen make food. Often, less grease is used in an oil change. You can also assume your server has eaten at the restaurant several times a week for at least the past year.
That said, for your server the food is probably as appealing as mac-and-cheese from home.
"How much to tip?" Here's an answer to the age-old question: A tip should never be less than one gallon of gas, and a tip should always be a minimum of 20 percent, unless your server was blatantly ignoring you.
If it's a busy night, don't dismiss your server as rude. Contrary to popular belief, your server has other things to do. Take all of your needs times the number of tables he or she is juggling.
On a busy night, your server will not have the time to attend to every request you may have every ten seconds. The customer is always the most important, yes, but the customer is not always the most considerate. This is what needs amending.
Of course, if it's a slow night and you can see your server standing around, texting, talking with other employees and rudely ignoring you, then you are exempt from the 20 percent rule.
Different exceptions to the 20 percent rule include tickets that are less than $15. If you order something cheap, maybe a $7 appetizer and water your ticket is $7.50, at most. Here, the 20 percent tip ($1.50) just doesn't cut it. Your server had to work just as hard to bring you a $7 plate as opposed to a $30 plate.
And don't nix the tip if your food was screwed up. I promise – 80 percent of the time it's the kitchen's fault. And the kitchen is paid hourly, mind you. You pay the server. And the server has no control over what the kitchen produces to bring to your table, or how fast that may take.
The golden rule of dining out: If you can't afford to leave a decent tip, you shouldn't be eating out.
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