Difficulty in finding job necessitates creative back-up plans

In just two weeks and one day, I will be an Augustana graduate. An alum. And I even have the e-mails asking me to donate money to my alma mater to prove it.

No, thank you, I say politely. Let me find a job first and start paying off the trillion-dollar student loans I've accrued, and then I'll think about giving back.

But finding a job has not been easy. You think, somewhat foolishly, that after four years of churning out papers, sweating over exams and crossing general requirements off your Augustana Plan, finding a job would be the easy part. Or at least I did.

With just two weeks to go until graduation, however, I'm still jobless. And frustrated. And scared. But there are bills to pay and rent to make, so I've taken matters into my own hands and started looking into my options. Since English and journalism seem to be about the most useless degrees one can have in this economy (just kidding, English professors), I've had to look elsewhere.

Here, I'd like to share with you my top five back-up plans in case my dream of becoming the next Katie Couric or Barbara Walters doesn't pan out:

Back-up Plan No. 1: Audition for the next season of Glee. I will, of course, have to invest in both voice lessons and hair extensions—the voice lessons because I can't carry a tune, and the extensions so I can perform the cast's famous hairography moves—but it will be worth it if I can land a part on the show.

Back-up Plan No. 2: Become a hand model. I don't chew my fingernails and I never wear nail polish, so I don't have that nasty yellowish tint some women get after years of forgetting to apply a base coat. I'm not exactly sure what the procedure is to break into the world of hand modeling, but this is a minor detail. I think this plan could really work.

Back-up Plan No. 3: Apply for dual citizenship in the Netherlands and move to Amsterdam, where I'll become inspired by the creativity of Van Gogh and the courage of Anne Frank. I'll ride my bike everywhere and live in a houseboat along one of the city's many picturesque canals. And, of course, I'll become a regular at several of the un-sketchy coffee shops around the city. Ideally, I'll find a close-knit group of friends and even have some quality ''circle'' time like those characters on That '70s Show.

Back-up Plan No. 4: Go to graduate school in an effort to evade my student loans and The Real World. This way, I can buy some time before I have to figure out the rest of my life.

Obviously, though, I'll have to choose an academic discipline that will actually benefit me in the long run. I've narrowed it down to nursing, electrical engineering or interior design. I don't really have an eye for decorating, but people seem to like the ugliest things these days, and with the whole feng shui movement, I might just find a way to make this profession work.

Back-up Plan No. 5: Move back in with my parents and start writing a profitable blog about how much it sucks to be 22 years old and living in your parents' basement. I'll call my blog ''I Never Thought This Would Be Me and I Wish It Wasn't.'' I'll write posts in the mornings and play World of Warcraft (I'll have to figure out what this is) and eat my weight in Dorito's Cool Ranch chips in the afternoons. Don't judge.

So maybe my plans aren't all that realistic. And they are a bit sad, especially considering I've poured nearly $100,000 into my Augustana education.

I guess I'll just have to keep looking and resign myself to the fact that finding a brilliant job won't happen overnight. I just wish I had a few more weeks to search before I'm thrown out into the real world.

And I definitely wish the folks over in the administration building could be just a tad more sensitive and stop sending me e-mails about donating money to the college. I don't have any money, and if I did, I'd use it to move out of my parents' house.

Call me crazy, but finding a place to live, buying groceries and paying my bills take precedence over donating to Augustana—no matter how much I've loved my four years here.